“Self Awareness” so important, especially in our world. It is the first step towards change!! This is my story it was not easy, but it got me to a healthier place. Please read, and send me some feedback!
I was diagnosed with ADHD 19 years ago, which explained the struggles I had in my life. It was a relief! I thought I had the answers to the negative times I experienced academically, professionally, and in my relationships. I thought that the medication was the answer, as it initially lessened the severity of the negative symptoms of ADHD. As the years progressed, I felt good about what I was accomplishing, but what about who I was? My relationship with my husband, and my sons, looked good on the surface, but as I would soon discover, was falling apart. I always thought communication was my strong suit; I was a great talker. I did not see myself as controlling; in fact I was sure that I was the antithesis of that. I saw myself as a positive person, always seeing the glass as half full!
I soon discovered that I was nowhere near understanding who I was, or more importantly, how my behaviors were seen by, and affected others. It was very difficult to hear people in my life tell me that what I originally believed about myself was a façade. But I was in a place in my life where I recognized I needed to take responsibility for my life and my behaviors. I was tired! I began to listen when I heard negative comments, and instead of denying them or arguing with the person saying them, I began to embrace them for change. This was a very difficult process, and as it progressed, I realized that change was not easy. Many of my issues in the relationships I had were not only related to my negative symptoms of ADD, they were also related to my past.
My need for control stemmed from my own insecurities that grew over many years of empty emotional buckets. I eventually saw just how negative I really was. As I began to pay attention to my thoughts, they were negative and full of judgmental thoughts of everyone I came in contact with. Since ADD is a disability of regulation, it was almost impossible for me to regulate my emotions. I would feel hurt or angry, and those feelings would come over me like a tidal wave. I felt like I had to explode, and retaliate, for whatever negative emotion I was feeling. In my process of self-awareness, I realized that in order to regulate, I had to sit with the feelings, or emotions, for at least 2 days before I addressed them. What I noticed was amazing. The same feelings or emotions, that would send me into outer space, had now dissipated over the 2 days. I was so happy, I began to see myself as a positive person, only this time it was for real.
Communication: Yes I was a great talker, too much talk, and not enough listening. I began to see that I talked over others; at times I was afraid I was going to forget what my reply to them was, so I would interrupt, with no regard for how they felt. I also wanted to control the outcome of difficult conversations, which did not bode well for my intimate relationships. I can still remember the day I gave up control. One would think that after years and years of controlling everything and everyone around me to get the outcome I wanted, this would be difficult. Surprisingly, it was not. The decision to let go and understand that the only person I could control was me, left me in a place of peace–in the moment on steroids. This happened 4 years ago, and continues today. There are times when I struggle somewhat with this, especially as it relates to my boys, but when I feel that energy change, I pull back and release.
Let me give all of you an example of this letting go process. I got a call from Chris, my oldest son, this morning. He and I have struggled to get to a healthy place, since at one time we were enmeshed, finishing each other’s sentences. This was not a good thing, but at the time, I thought it was great. He was diagnosed this year with Bipolar2, and although it seems like a death sentence to many, to him it was a blessing. He had struggled for many years with drug and alcohol abuse, and now being on the right medication, has helped him to get to a better place. He is doing great, back in school, and has direction and goals. We have tried to communicate openly, but there are still those emotions that can stop that process. This morning, when he called he immediately apologized for not returning my call I made to him on Thursday. I told him I understood, because I do. He is very busy, and it is no longer all about me. I told him that when I saw his picture on Facebiij, I realized how much I missed him. His response was not what I was expecting; I thought he would say, “I miss you too mom”! Instead he said, “I know”! The old me would have immediately attacked him, saying, “Oh! You don’t miss me”? But, instead, I let it go, took a deep breath, and stayed in the moment. At some point, possibly weeks from now, I will discuss this with him, just to see if we are OK.
This brings me to my next realization about my intimate relationships. I expected everyone, including my sons to take care of my emotions!! Why, you must be asking. Well the answer lies in the fact that I never grew up. Hard to believe, here I was 54 years old, and still very much a little girl. I have noticed that most of my adult clients have never grown up. We struggle with this because most of our stories from the past are negative, stifling our emotional growth. This is very difficult, painful work, but well worth it!
Taking care of that little child inside of us is a process that I do with my clients who want to end there pain and suffering. It is a process that brings us out of childhood and into adulthood. This is the last step in the self-awareness process, but it is the most important step, because it frees us from the past, enables us to stay in the moment. You no longer engage with your thoughts and feelings, you just notice them as if they were balloons flying overhead. You are able to take care of your own emotions, and finally, you develop internal validation. This is big, because when we experience this, we no longer look to the outside to feel good about ourselves. At last, we are happy adults, we are in control of our negative symptoms of ADD, and we are happy and peaceful. Try it, it takes time, but it works.